december 6

last month was the first month that we're trying to conceive..sebenernya plan untuk baby program itu bulan january nanti but the more i think about it the more i want it sooner than later..so after thinking about all of the possibilities it seemed like it was the perfect time to try..i began taking folic acid and increase my calcium intake. i've been charting my cycle since last month so i think i can estimate when i will ovulate. anyway, seminggu yang lalu gue ngerasain slight cramping, i knew it wasn't period cramp cause my period was not not due until today..jadi gue mengira ngira aja bahwa itu yang namanya implantation cramp. hari ini juga agak kram sedikit, much like the cramping i got when my period is about to come. memang confusing deh pregnancy symptoms sama period symptoms..they are all alike. i took a pregnancy test today, the generic one i bought at target, and it showed a faint positive line. but it says in the phamplet that a positive line is a positive line, even if it's only a faint one. still i didn't put my hope up high although dalem hati sih i felt like i knew i was pregnant..=)

december 7
bought another home pregnancy test at walgreens, this one yang lebih canggih, clearblue yang digital..it was pretty expensive too. oh iya tadi gue ke dentist kan mau tambel gigi, trus pas mau di bius (baru di kasih gel gusinya) gue baru inget kalo i might be pregnant..trus ya gue bilang lah ke dokternya kalo it's possible that i'm pregnant now, would that be a problem? trus dokternya mikir dan diskusi sama nursenya...trus akhirnya dia bilang mendingan di cancel aja deh. sebenernya sih nggak papa, tapi kalo lagi hamil harus ada surat dari obgynnya, kalo nggak ada dia nggak mau soalnya takut kalo ada apa apa nanti dia yang di salahin. oh ya wes..trus gue tanya kenapa kok gigi gue sakit banget kalo gue nunduk atau naik turun tangga..trus dokternya langsung bilang.."it's sinus"..ahh that's why, emang beberapa hari ini kan gue lagi kena sinusitis...ternyata memang sinus itu lebih gampang menyerang ibu ibu hamil lho..nah karena it comes with the package jadinya gue nggak complain deh..hehe, but it sure is annoying. katanya "During pregnancy, hormones secreted to thicken the uterus also thicken nasal passages, causing nasal congestion, which in turn can increase the incidence of sinusitis". nursenya bilang kalo memang hamil then congratulation..=) gue bilang belum pasti sih, i should now in a few days.

december 8
tested early in the morning and the tiny window showed the word p.r.e.g.n.a.n.t ..memang yang digital itu gitu, jadi kita nggak perlu nebak nebak. so it's official..i'm a pregnant woman now...=)) abis nganterin jibran langsung bikin appointment sama dr. haifaa..nursenya bilang congratulation...=). now i'm starting to worry deh, is wearing tight pants okay?...do i have enough pregnancy hormons? kok nggak ada morning sicknessnya?..heheh..padahal waktu jibran juga morning sicknessnya biasa aja kok, besides, it usually doesn't kick in until week 6 kan. sekarang ini gue kayanya week 4 kalo di itung dari last period..tapi kalo di itung dari ovulation ya baru 2 minggu. insya allah baik baika aja ya and i can carry this baby full term...insya allah lancar lancar aja dan nggak da apa apa..amin...=) GOD I'm so happy!!!...=))). malem ini ada christmas dinner di rumahnya mike..and i was smiling the whole time.

december 13
harusnya hari ini ke obgyn tapi tadi pagi di telfon katanya dia ada delivery mendadak so she has to cancel today's appoinment, di reschedule besok deh. beberapa hari ini gue berasa capee banget, emang kan karena lagi sakit, tapi ya karena hamil juga kali ya, i get tired easily, naik tangga aja bikin cape, i've been having extreme thirst juga, jadi minum terus dan akibatnya ya bolak balik ke kamar mandi. trus kalo jam 4 sore gue pasti yang udah ngantuk berat gitu..persis kaya waktu hamil jibran. memang sih kalo di pikir baru hamil sebulan aja udah cape begitu..tapi ya justru hamil awal ini yang bikin cape, karena tanpa kita sadari badan kita work overtime to adjust with the new condition. tau nggak sih, dapet sms dari aan yang isinya.."han, tolong beliin seaband dong di walgreens, i'm 5 weeks pregnant now dan jackpot mlulu tiap hari. tapi jangan bilang siapa siapa dulu ya kalo gue hamil"..hehehe..gue ketawa ketawa sendiri bacanya trus lagnsung bales.."you know what, i'm 5 weeks pregnant too...huehehe"..senangnya ada temen hamil...

december 14
ke dokter juga akhirnya. she touched me down there and said..'oh ya you are so pregnant'..heheh..she did a trans vaginal ultrasound and found a sac..nggak keliatan ada janinnya sih but she wasn't too worry karena katanya mungkin masih kecil dan mungkin my estimation was off, didn't realize that i ovulate late..the shape of the sac and the location looks perfect. it's measuring at 4 weeks. trus suruh beli prenatal vitamin di whole food yang 365, karena katanya yang itu nggak ada gelatinnya. dokter gue kaget juga pas tau gue mau travelling in 2 days karena katanya travelling by plane during your first trimester itu can increase your chance of miscarriage. wah agak kaget juga ya pas denger, tapi nggak mungkin juga untuk cancel semuanya..jadi ya bismillah aja ya..somehow gue yakin if anything happens nantinya ini bukan karena gue naik pesawat tapi pasti karena hal lain or it's just not meant to be. dari situ ke whole food trus langsung pulang..researching online regarding travelling. dari yang gue dapet sih memang nggak ada studies/research nya yang support itu, walaupun memang kebanyakan gngak rekomen tapi kayanya kebanyakan tuh nggak rekomen more because of the comfort part aja karena biasanya first trimester itu kan mual mual lah ini itu, nah kan ya nggak nyaman aja di pesawat lama lama dengan kondisi seperti itu. pernah sih ada researchnya tapi itu untuk frequent flyers gitu, kaya flight attendant, nah kalo itu bener memang increase the chance of miscarriage. jadi ya udah lah gue udah memantapkan hati dan berdoa ya mudah mudahan nggak pa pa.

december 31
udah 2 minggu di jakarta. so far semuanya baik baik aja, no spotting, no cramping and i'm in my happiest..my belly is growing. ternyata bener ya yang orang bilang second pregnancy itu bakalan lebih keliatan daripada first pregnancy, baru hamil sebulan setengah gini tapi udah kaya hamil 4 bulan..hehe..none of my jeans fit anymore..pakenya baju baju terusan melulu..heheh. eneg2 juga enggak sih, well except for 3 days..ya ampun beberapa hari yang lalu i experience the worst nausea ever..nggak tau kenapa tau tau gue eneg melulu, pagi pagi nyium bau goreng gorengan dari dapur langsung eneg..ngebayangin makanan aja eneg, waktu ke carrefour pas ngelewatin aisle yang jual makanan makanan jadi itu gue sama sekali nggak nengok dan nggak mau ngeliat karena eneg banget deh ngebayanginnya. makannya juga cuma yang nggak banyak rasa, nasi putih panas sama telor ceplok contohnya..heheh, pokonya nggak pengen apa apa deh, tapi nggak sampe throwing up sih, cuma eneg aja. yang throwing up malah si nduti..jam 12 malem tau tau dia ikutan eneg dan muntah2 di kamar mandi..heheh...dan ajaibnya setelah itu ilang enegnya gue dan gantian dia yang eneg. kalo ada orang ngomongin makanan marah marah..hehehe. makannya juga sama kaya gue kemaren, trus juga jadi doyan rujak. iya gue di sini makannya rujaaak mlulu, enak abisnya seger dan menyehatkan juga kan..heheh..trus kita berdua di sini keranjingan es teler..tiap hari beli es teler..heheh....

january 12
hari ini janjian ke obgyn sama aan, dr nya namanya dokter karno, dulu prakteknya di rumah sakit pondok indah tapi sekarang cuma praktek di rumah aja tapi kalo delivery ya tetep di rumah sakit pondok indah. rumahnya di pondok cabe, rumahnya enak deh ..halamannya luas. oh iya semalem gue mimpi serem..walaupun di mimpinya itu nggak kejadian di gue, tapi di aan..ceritanya kita ke dr tapi pas di ultrasound ternyata kok banyak placentanya gitu di perutnya si aan, but none of them has the baby inside, pokonya kosong semua sacny
a.
gue sampe yang bangun ketakutan lho..asli serem banget. but anyway.. the dr is nice..gue di ultrasound yang abdominal, he saw the sac, measuring at 7 weeks (harusnya 8 minggu)..tapi memang kan kurang/lebih satu minggu itu wajar. katanya bentuk placenta nya, ketebalannya sama posisinya semuanya sempurna deh. trus waktu gue tanya janinnya katanya nggak keliatan, karena masih 7 minggu..harusnya di ultrasound yang transvaginal, tapi dia nggak ada alatnya. tapi dia bilang dia yakin ada bayinya karena kalo nggak bentuknya nggak kaya gini. ya udah gue juga ya santai aja jadinya. he printed the ultrasound picture. trus gue jadi inget mimpi gue semalem tapi trus gue inget lagi kalo dokternya yang yakin banget everything is perfect jadi ya udah.

january 19
it's jibran's 3rd birthday. sadly we couldn't give much attention to him on that day...i found some spotting when i just woke up this morning, had to go to two different doctors and they confirmed that miscarriage was about to happen. 'janinnya nggak berkembang' 'calon keguguran ini sih' 'blighted ovum' 'udah nggak bagus nih dalemnya penuh darah' 'rahimnya udah membuka' 'harus di kuret ini secepatnya' 'ini baru 5 minggu kok'. i don't know, i couldn't even focus anymore, kayanya blank dan gue udah nggak bisa menyerap informasi apa apa, apalagi waktu di dokter pertama i was all by myself. kayanya mo nangis tapi nggak bisa, mo marah sama siapa, mo sedih juga kayanya dr nya nggak yang 'i'm sorry this happen to you' or something like that. akhirnya gue bilang aja i'll talk to my husband and my mom bla bla bla, i went to the cashier to pay dan di situ gue udah nggak tahan lagi, i put on my sunglasses and cried my way home...huhuhuhu. sampe rumah gue tahan lagi sih nangisnya, i didn't wanna cry in front of my mom cause i didn't want to make her worry apalagi dia lagi ribet pas ada urusan..i just told her kalo dokternya bilang memang kayanya ini calon keguguran karena kantongnya mengkerut, it's supposed to be 8 weeks tapi malah 5 minggu. and then i ran upstair to nduti dan lumayan nangis dikit. nangisnya sebenernya bukan karena miscarriage nya kayanya tapi lebih karena gue BINGUNG..we'll be leaving in 2 days trus ada kejadian gini, don't know what to do..apa iya harus di kuret trus nanti effectnya apa, kalo di diemin aja biar keluar sendiri gimana, nanti di pesawat gimana, is it okay to wait until i get back to the states? trus ini koper koper gimana, belum packing, masih banyak yang harus di beli? i didn't have time to grief karena yang di pikiran tuh banyak banget..

trus akhirnya gue sholat dzuhur and that's when i couldn't hold it anymore..asli gue nangis yang terisak isak gitu...sedih ya iya sedih banget, bingung juga..dan takut and wondering what did i do wrong, apa iya karena kecapean, apa karena gue naik pesawat or am i just cursed?..i was actually prepared for this, well nggak prepared sih but i knew that i wasn't immune to this, bahwa dalam setiap 4 orang yang hamil, ada at least 1 orang yang bakalan end up in miscarriage..so i was hoping for the best but also prepare for the worst..but still when it's actually happen, you still wondering why it could happen to you and why you?? tapi trus akhirnya gue bisa nerima sih..gue bilang kalo gue ikhlas tapi gue cuma minta satu..gue mohon supaya processnya bisa cepet, i want to miscarry naturally without any intervention from the dr, mudah mudahan i can cope with it and handle the pain just fine. setelah itu baru deh berasa lega.

tapi tetep sih abis itu berniat ke dokter lain to ask second opinion. yang ini dokternya di ypk menteng (yang tadi di rumah sakit islam cempaka putih). he didn't do the ultrasound sih, he inserted something down there dan juga checking cervix nya with his finger. dia cuma bilang..'udah nggak bagus nih'..posisinya udah di bawah. pas di tanya menurut dia kenapa dia langsung bilang kalo ini gara gara naik pesawat. he too, suggested a d&c (dilation and curretage), at least dokter yang ini mending deh bilang d&c processnya cuma 2 jam, lah dokter yang di rs islam bilang gue harus nginep segala. trus tapi setelah dia ngeliat kalo gue nggak minat sama d&c akhirnya dia bilang sih ya udah tunggu aja sampe balik ke amerika, trus gue di kasih obat untuk nahan mules sama methergine untuk stopping uterine bleeding. tapi trus dia juga bilang sih kalo memang mau d&c besok bisa kok, cuma 2 jam selesai trus abis itu baliknya tenang deh di pesawat. yah gue bilang aja deh gue pikir pikir dulu. and then we went home trus abis maghrib makan malem di al jazeera, sama jiddy-bunda nya jibran and eyang uti-yangkungnya jibran, sekalian dinner ulang taunnya jibran.

malemnya gue telfon dr gue di sini, tapi lagi nggak ada di tempat prakteknya, the nurse gave me dr haifa home phone number, so i called her home right away. waktu di telfon ya dia tanya what happened, what did the dr do, how am i doing now, how's the bleeding and all that. trus tapi dia nggak bisa mutusin karena dia nggak liat kondisi gue gimana but then i asked her what would you do kalo misalnya gue ada di sana sekarang. dia bilang sih she wouldn't do d&c, she would give me medicine to help speed up the process, if it takes too long for me to m/c naturally baru deh we can talk about d&C..then i asked her what would i expect to happen on the plane. dia bilang gue bakalan period like bleeding, nggak bakalan ada pendarahan yang bakalan endangering my life atau apa gitu (dr rumah sakit islam aja tuh nakut nakutin gue), bring lots of pads katanya, bawa celana untuk ganti and bring painkillers and call me as soon as you get here. ya udah..tenang deh gue akhirnya..i trust her more than any dr in the world..so i know i'll be okay. tapi malemnya, when everything was dark and quiet i couldn't help but cry again..=(

january 20
still spotting but a bit heavier..but wearing pantyliner is enough. gue tebus obat dari dokternya..but i didn't plan to take it buat precaution aja in case it gets really bag in the airplane.

january 21
leaving j-town. started to have period like bleeding, need to wear the pads now. cried at the airport when i hugged my mom..huhuhu...

on the plane
lumayan bleeding banyak..i changed my jeans to my sweatpants biar lebih nyaman. the bleeding started to get worse during tokyo-chicago trip. it got even worse when i arrived at stl airport..i had to change pads every 2 hours..sampe akhirnya nembus ke celana, it was messy. untungnya udah sampe st. louis, i continued to bleed and bleed, i passed so many blood clots and they were big, like golf ball sized big..really big. i didn't take the medicine, abisnya gue takut kalo minum obat trus malah jadi memperlambat processnya lagi. anyway...ya udah gitu aja gue lemes, jadi cuma tidur tiduran aja. i called my dr and she asked me to come in on the 24.

january 23
udah lumayan dikit nih bleedingnya

january 24
bleeding lumayan. went to the dr and had an ultrasound done. she said the sac is gone and everything is gone, my uterus has gone back to its original size. i have passed just about everything..there's only small tissues left that i'll probably pass in a few days, the worst is over katanya. she perscribed me cytotec..medicine yang harus di insert rectally, to help flush out the rest. she was a bit worried when she saw me, katanya i look really pale..jadi dia nyuruh nursenya untuk ambil darah gue. nyebelin deh kalo ambil darah soalnya they always have a hard time finding my veins, jadi lamaaa banget gue di tusuk tusuk sampe nursenya bilang i think i have to send you to qwest (laboratorium gitu). duh males amat gue besok harus keluar lagi ke lab untuk ambil darah. gue bilang coba lagi deh..trus katanya but i have to torture you. ya udah deh nggak pa pa..pokonya harus bisa cause i don't wanna go to qwest..hehe, akhirnya setelah sambil di cubit gitu and di poked around akhirnya dapet juga deh tuh darahnya.

setelah berdiskusi sama dokter gue, kita mengambil kesimpulan kalo gue ini ngalamin yang namanya blighted ovum, jadi pembuahan tanpa janin. pada waktu konsepsi, konsepsinya ini ng

gak sempurna jadi langsung mati, tapi udah tertanam di dalam rahim..nah jadi rahim dan organ2 yang lainnya ya bekerja sebagaimana mestinya kalo hamil, symtompnya juga kaya hamil biasa lah, in my case ya cepet cape dan ngantuk serta breast tenderness. kenapa mengambil kesimpulan gitu..soalnya pas ultrasound week 4 itu she didn't see the yolk sac although it's normal juga sebenernya karena biasanya baru keliatan pas week 5. nah pas week 7 juga di ultrasound kan nggak keliatan janinnya, walaupun memang sebenernya wajar sih karena ultrasoundnya yang abdominal, harusnya yang transvaginal untuk mastiinnya. nah trus pas ke dr rumah sakit islam itu kan harusnya week 8, eh ini malah measuring at week 5, jadi kantongnya mengecil dan dr nya bilang dia nggak liat janinnya..waktu gue tanya bisa pake yang trans vaginal nggak dia bilang ya itu alatnya di pake untuk orang yang nggak bleeding *lah gimana sih..bukannya ya sama aja ya kotor2 juga?*..tapi gue inget dia sempet ngomong blighted ovum gitu walaupun gue udah nggak bisa nyimak lagi. nah trus, when i passed those blood clots, harusnya kalo ada janinnya itu bakalan keluar grayish pink clots, i didn't think i saw that..semuanya berwarna maroon gitu and i examined everything that came out. trus ya udah sih, di tambah the fact that i had a pretty easy m/c, nggak ada komplikasinya dan cepet banget processnya jadi ya kita berkesimpulan kalo kemungkinan besar yang gue alamin ya blighted ovum itu. gue juga jadi inget mimpi gue waktu itu, mungkin memang that was one his ways of telling me yah...karena mimpinya nggak kaya mimpi biasa, tapi kaya kejadian bener bener dan terus nempel di kepala gue mimpinya.

tadi kan gue tanya dr gue kalo sebenernya gue nih boleh sholat nggak sih..apa kaya orang abis melahirkan yang nggak boleh sholat selama 40 hari?..dr gue senyum bahagia gitu pas gue nanya trus bilang owh i like your questions..i'm glad you ask that..heheh..udah kaya anak kecil yang di bilang pinter mau sholat aja gue. trus dia bilang iya nggak pa pa sholat aja cause it's not considered nifas. seneng deh gue cause i haven't been praying since friday and i feel so miserable. oh iya senengnya dr gue juga bilang kalo i can try again as soon as the bleeding stops...yayy..heheh...=).

anyway..setelah hari itu nggak bleeding lagi kok, i still have to go back on thursday for check up walaupun tadi nursenya udah telfon sih dan bilang kalo i don't have to go back karena dia yakin gue udah pass everything. my bloodwork came back fine..semuanya di normal range and my HCG level is at 2, which is good karena below 5 means not pregnant dan nggak ada pregnancy hormon yang tersisa. i didn't succeed on taking those medicines though..heheh..susah bok dan nyebelinnya they were all came out in their original shape when i had bowel movement the next day..heheh..i thought they were supposed to melt inside??

tapi nursenya nggak khawatir sih and insisted that i don't have to go back. tadi sih gue iya iya aja but now that i think about it, maybe i should just go back ya for another ultrasound, to make sure that everything is completely gone??!?. i'll call her tomorrow.

yah ya udah sih gitu aja, two and a half months full of ups and downs..but i'm okay now..kemaren kemaren masih sempet sedih aja..it just felt weird to see my growing belly is now shrinking and that my boobs don't feel sore anymore. tapi setelah tau kalo kayanya itu blighted ovum gue jadi lebih gampang untuk menerima aja, jadi nggak begitu merasa kehilangan cause there's never been a baby inside me..dan gue juga lega knowing that it wasn't something i did, not because i rode the plan, bukan karena gue kecapean and not because i was still wearing high heels, it was also not something i ate. it's something beyond my control..karena di setiap sperm and eggs itu there's always bad sperms and bag eggs and it just happened that my egg catched the bad sperm or vice versa. tapi ya tetep i'm thankful for what i have and what i have experienced..memang nggak semua keinginan kita di kabulkan ya but at least he will give you what you needed the most at that very moment, keinginan gue untuk bisa carrying the baby full term nggak terpenuhi tapi at least permintaan gue untuk bisa m/c naturally di kabulkan..karena yang gue liat di forum forum itu banyak yang processnya lama makanya gue takut banget. i have learned a lot of things from this experience lah, i had a wonderful two months and if anything, it has taught me to be humble, to be patience, to take better care of my health and to value the time i have with my loved ones. udah nggak sedih lagi kok sekarang..i'm actually pretty happy and excited, looking forward for tomorrow and all the happiness that it may brings..=)

*please excuse the countless typo and grammar errors in this post..i'm still jetlagged..:p