kayanya udah lamaaaaa banget deh saya nggak pernah nge check horoscope, tapi entah kenapa hari ini ada pikiran untuk nge check, cuma mau tau aja kira kira ramalan bintang saya sama nggak sama apa yang saya rasakan beberapa hari ini. nih ya di kutip dari beberapa website.

Your keywords for this month are 'reinvention' and 'exploration.' It's time to examine your current role in life and ask yourself if it really suits you. Where do you want to go next? Who do you want to be?

You may not feel like you're getting a lot done at the start of the week, but you're laying the foundation for a fantastic future. You're meeting people who are going to become crucial to your advancement, and you're generating ideas that will only achieve full dimension over time.

This week you finally have a chance to put some newly generated ideas into action

You're sitting quietly and getting a few new insights into your own internal workings (hopes, fears, desires, obstacles), and this helps you immensely the rest of the month, when you plan a few new directions for yourself.

how so very true, i was stunned when i read those. emang bener bener deh akhir akhir ini saya sering banget kepikiran tentang masa depan. what do i want to accomplish in the future, will i be able to do it, to achieve my dreams and to be what i want to be, doings the things i love? what do i need to do now to get in the right direction? can i juggle two things at the same time, you know, family and career? do i have to give up one to accomplish the other? and on and on and on. i consider myself a thinker, i think my brain is always on a thinking mode. lagi nyetir, lagi nyuci piring, lagi mandi..pasti selalu sambil mikir, kebetulan aja akhir akhir hal hal yang di sebut di atas yang selalu mengisi pikirin saya. it's been a year since i graduated. pertamanya memang sengaja sih untuk nggak ngapa ngapain, mau santai santai aja soalnya cape. it took me 2.5 years to finish my master. i went to school, worked during the whole nine months of my pregnancy. bahkan waktu udah melahirkan pun tetep sekolah, kerja sebentar dan ngurus bayi...belum ngurusin rumah juga..good thing i still managed to graduate with cum laude..:p. lagian selain cape, we were in the process of finding a new place and then moving in to the new house too, so there were a lot of things that i needed to focus. but now after everything is settled i guess it's just time for me to rethinking about my future. i don't want to be idle for too long, sebenernya juga selama ini nggak cuma ngerjain pekerjaan rumah aja sih, i've been doing some ebaying, but i want to do more.

trus juga jibran sekarang udah sekolah kan so i have more free time for my self. i know i can use those free time to do a lot of domestic things like cooking, laundrying, ironing, making up the bed, cleaning the bathroom, gardening and you know all of those glamorous stuff..;). but i can't help but keep thinking, is that all there is to it? it's just that i think i'm capable of doing more things than that. i want to explore, to see if there's opportunity for me somewhere to do something. i know working full time is not an option, i do not want to send jibran to day care every single day for the whole day. besides i don't have the permit that is required to work here anyway, and i don't want to risk working the undertable way like i did long time ago, when you have family, i guess you just have to weigh the risk that involved with it. all i want is to have something that i can do from home. it doesn't necessarilly have to generate money. just as long as i can satisfy the urge i have to prove myself, to put my energy into the world and make something out of my life and make the most of it, for my own good, for my need of self-respect, for my own happiness. it's not that i'm unhappy, but i feel like i'm lacking something. maybe i'm just unsatisfied. unsatisfied of my achievements as an individual, not unsatisfied of my possessions because to me, happiness relates to what i have achieved as a person. happiness and contentment is two different things. like i've read from somewhere along time ago, contenment merely depends on having everything you need and you want where happiness results from achieving your goals.

anyway, so these past two weeks, i've been thinking of what i can do in this situation that appears to be limiting. what am i good at? what are my skills? what is it that i'm passionate about? it's a bit confusing to me too because the problem is i couldn't find that one skill that i consider my asset. some people good at cooking, graphic-designing or whatever design there is, photography-ing, writing, programming, drawing, etc. i guess i can do a little of this and a little of that, but nothing that seems super it drives me nuts. i know i'm able to do simple web designing and i did compiled a few designs that i have created into one page, hoping i could turn it into a freelance type of thing. so that's one. there's still other things that i'm thinking of doing, something that could be useful for me when i go back home for good someday, nothing big but it could be an important step for me just so i don't have to crawl from the very bottom to get to the top, but i don't want to elaborate more for now, maybe later when it's actually happen =). hopefully i am in the right track right now, just like what my horoscope said that i have just met new people that will become crucial to my advancement. they are such an inspiration to me.

i believe i'm pretty good at sensing opportunities. i have lots of ideas, i just don't have the guts to implement them, hehe.. it does indeed hard to take that first step, ohh the fear of trying, and the fear of rejection and of failure. but hey i'll never know unless i try it, right? and i just have to remember this; hesitation leads to devastation. so wish me luck okay?..=)